Medical Breakthrough

“I have an appointment with a new specialist, and I can’t wait to go,” said no one, ever.

It seems that once we get those 2×3.5-inch squares of red, white and blue imprinted with the word “Medicare”, we are inundated with more specialists than we have body parts.

I don’t know about you, but I am unwilling to spend my days waiting in poorly lit treatment rooms eagerly anticipating the arrival of a medical professional who is unlikely to give me good news. In fact, I have been waiting for 60 minutes for the dermatologist to show up in this clammy room to conduct a “body map.” For the occasion, I am decked out in a paper gown with a waist string that shredded when I lightly tugged on it.

Perhaps their closed-door policy means they want me out of sight and mind while I wait for the cartographer to meander in. But before claustrophobia and toxic air felled me, I yanked the door open with as much grace as this paper muumuu would allow. Not before I noticed white streaks extending to the lower edge of the door. I can only imagine they were clawed there by the fingernails of the poor soul who languished on this hard table before me as she shrieked her way to oxygen.

There is a solution to the waste inflicted by the heartlessness of medical appointments. Holograms. Tupac Shakur and Michael Jackson have them. Why not use the technology to save hours in a senior citizen’s life?  

With all the medical research underway and so many of us living to old ages, I challenge an innovator to disrupt the health care industry with a true time-saving device.

Consider the benefits of a medically induced hologram:

1. passively waits, minus attitude, for the doctor to show up. Be aware that the medical personality needs to be carefully designed with each patient in mind. Personally, I want mine programmed with a shit-kicking attitude. No matter how ill I might feel, it’s still my best quality.

2. you can shut it up in a closet or other dank place since it doesn’t need oxygen. It won’t gasp for air or obnoxiously leave the door open signifying to the passive medical staff that you need to get out of there. My suggestion is that lungs be excluded from the list of options.

3. because it is voiceless, it lets the doctor drone on, rather than be subjected to pesky patient interruptions such as “I have some symptoms I need to tell you about.”  Once again, designer, consider the needs of your patient. Some are willing to sit and let their grandson-aged physician regale them with tales of the black diamonds he leapt just this past weekend, while you were roiling in your bed with a spine that felt like walnuts were being cracked on it.

4. blood is optional, minimizing the need for irritating lab slips or discussion of bloodwork. Sometimes it seems that doctors order lab tests just for something to do. With a bloodless hologram sitting there with its legs crossed, eyes trained on the door, it’s just not an option.

You will do a service for the many of us who just want to have fun and spend our lives in meaningful activities that don’t involve stagnant air in cubbyhole-sized spaces.

It’s a slow death that I’m sure President Johnson didn’t envision when he enacted Medicare in 1965. Although an inventor needs to step up in a hurry. What with current politics and a war on the health of humans, the demise of the elderly may be current economic policy.

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