Short of becoming a mature version of the fed-up ladies in A Bad Mom’s Christmas or even a female Grinch, there are many ways a geezer goddess can survive the holidays. Years of brainwashing have set us up to be exhausted and frazzled when December 25 finally arrives. There is another way.
My gift to geezer goddesses everywhere is my Christmas list, my wish for you and the end of the scourge of unrealistic expectations.
1. Go to the gym, work out like an elf, it’s way past time you took care of yourself. How did decking the halls, racing to the mall and stuffing a Butterball become our job? If a rotund guy in a red suit insists on coming to town, let him do something other than fling a bundle of toys on his back. Give that guy a ladder and let him hang the mistletoe. You’re late for Zumba.
2. Pretend you are single, who needs Kris Kringle? The commercials tell us that family and friends are what’s important this time of year. Yet somehow, we seem to be responsible for continuing a holiday fallacy of perfection that never quite existed. So, dump the expectations this year and do something naughty or nice for yourself.
3. Stockings hung by the chimney with care? Better yet, string up your Spanx across the clothesline in the backyard, and throw darts at it. Declare your independence from the pressure to haul holiday decorations from the attic, bake 10 different kinds of cookies, or sport a flat tummy in your Slim Cognito Shape-Suit.
4. Ditch the visions of sugar plums. While the darlings are lying in bed with their hallucinations and apparitions, you’re up scrubbing, cooking and hanging stockings. Time out from everyone else’s version of a perfect Christmas, time in for you.
5. Better not cry, better not pout. Hey, Santa Baby, threats don’t work anymore. We’re grown up now, and you just don’t intimidate us, especially with your merry dimples, rosy cheeks and cherry nose.
6. Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. Exactly. No one else is helping prepare the Christmas feast. You and the rodent should join forces and sit this holiday out.
7. Dash away, dash away, dash away all! Take yourself out of the craziness. Meditate, go for a walk, write in your journal, pretend you don’t recognize the people who are making demands of you. Give yourself permission to breathe.
8. Filled all the stockings; then turned like a jerk. It’s ‘way past time to call Santa out as the jerk you know he’s been all these years. Men everywhere are stepping up. Why isn’t Santa? Mrs. Claus needs an intervention…and her own name.
Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
Let’s take put ourselves at the top of our list, so we can enjoy the next 364 days before we get to do it all over again!
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to geezer goddesses everywhere.